I hate Christmas music. It is, in fact, my least favorite kind of music in the entire world. I would rather listen to bagpipes and screaming children than hear another fucking song about snow and/or Santa. True story. Since moving, I have been blessed with a retail job (which is why I never have time to write anymore) and December in retail means one thing: Christmas music non-stop. I am basically in a living nightmare every day. Fun times abound.
I wanted to take a moment between shifts to share some of my venom with you, my faithful readers (aka Mom), in the hopes that I can get it out of my system. No one likes being around the Grinch during his “my heart is three sizes too small” phase, especially around what has been described as “the most wonderful time of the year”. Also, there should be some sort of law where a bag of kittens is pushed down a flight of stairs every time someone uses that phrase (Just kidding! But seriously, stop fucking saying it.).
“I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus” / Jimmy Boyd (1952)
I know that Jimmy was a thirteen year old boy when he sang this song, but damn his voice is OBNOXIOUS. At first I thought it was a young girl but no. Just a very unfortunate little boy.
“Jingle Bell Rock” / Bobby Helms (1957)
It’s everywhere! No matter where I turn I just cannot escape this song. Jingle bell time is most definitely NOT a swell time.
“Rockin’ Around the Christmas Tree” / Brenda Lee (1958)
Can I burn down the Christmas Party Hop? I promise to clear the building first.
“The Chipmunk Song (Christmas Don’t Be Late)” / Alvin and the Chipmunks (1958)
Who is the genius that thought it would be a good idea to record a song by talking animals? Especially animals with annoying voices. Does anyone above the age of five truly enjoy The Chipmunks in any capacity?
“Baby, It’s Cold Outside” / Dean Martin (1959)
If the female in this song really wanted to leave, she would just take off. I hate when people want you to cajole them into hanging out. It’s a pet peeve of mine. Also, how old is she that she uses her mother and father as excuses for leaving?
“It’s the Most Wonderful Time of the Year” / Andy Williams (1963)
See above, re: use of the song title.
“A Holly Jolly Christmas” / Burl Ives (1964)
I generally appreciate Burl Ives doing his thing but this grates. Maybe it’s the creepy use of mistletoe as a slightly rapey object.
“We Need a Little Christmas” / Angela Lansbury (1966)
I adore Angela Lansbury. Murder, She Wrote was one of my grandmother’s favorite shows. Not even her greatness can save this song. I never need a little Christmas, especially not this very minute.
“The Twelve Days of Christmas” / The Sinatra Family (1968)
I want to strangle them all with lavender ties. Except Frank. Nobody steps to Frank.
“Happy Xmas (War Is Over)” / John Lennon and Yoko Ono (1971)
The fact that Christmas isn’t spelled correctly in the title is only the beginning. I don’t want to hear about how the “world is so wrong” while dong my shopping. Call me shallow, but it’s true. I’m not into being guilt tripped via song.
“Hey Santa!” / Carnie and Wendy Wilson (1993)
I dig Wilson Phillips and “Hold On” as much as any other child of the 80’s/90’s. I didn’t realize what Chynna Phillips does for their sound- make it sound good. Without her, I want to apply a drill directly to my ear canal.
“All I Want for Christmas Is You” / Mariah Carey (1994)
Yes, Mariah’s vocal range is phenomenal. No, that doesn’t make me like her or this song.
“Oklahoma Christmas” / Blake Shelton feat. Reba McIntire (2012)
A world of no.