Damon looks VERY VERY happy as he takes a shower at the Salvatore Boarding House. Like, VERY happy. Meanwhile, Elena is taking out her sexual frustration on a punching bag at Alaric’s. Ric enters the room and warns her against punching a hole through the bag. Does anyone believe that she is strong enough to do any sort of real damage? Her arms are like toothpicks. He tries to get the scoop on her aggressiveness but she pretends like she has nothing to talk about. As if she isn’t totally obsessing over her kiss with Damon.
Damon walks into his bedroom wearing just a towel and my heart skips a few beats. Stefan is waiting to scold him for being late for their meeting with Bonnie. That Stefan, always a buzzkill. He questions Damon’s “chipper” attitude but Damon brushes him off.
Ric presses Elena again for what has her “worked up” and she admits to not sleeping well. Ric makes a little dig about not sleeping well on account of his dying the previous night. He thinks something may be up with his resurrection ring. Uh oh. Elena tells him that now more than ever Jeremy needs to be shipped out of town. She punches the bag as hard as she can and it moves WAY more than it should. Ric comments that she’s getting stronger. About as strong as a hundred pound girl can get. She grabs some coffee and asks if Ric has spoken with Damon, which of course he hasn’t. He did, however, see Jeremy packing to attend his new school in Denver. Looks like Damon’s compulsion worked.
Bonnie is spell casting in the creepy abandoned dead witch house. Rather unsuccessfully. She is trying to magic Klaus’s coffin open but it isn’t working. She loses her shit a little, screaming at it to open before disappearing the coffins. The floorboards above her squeak and she calls out to the mystery man/woman.
Stefan questions Damon about Elena and her coffin knowledge. Damon dodges answering which he quickly catches onto. Stefan begins to launch into a mini-speech about coffin protection being his number one goal when Damon suddenly stops walking. Oh shit.
Bonnie begins to walk slowly toward the stairs. As if you can’t be quite while walking at a normal pace. Suddenly Damon is in her face, signaling for her to be quiet. I bet he wishes he could do that every day. He listens as a hybrid walks out of the house and into Stefan. The hybrid vamps out, ready to attack but Damon is behind him lightening quick, plunging his hand into the hybrid’s chest, ripping out his heart. It’s glorious.
Elena is sometimes a good friend, decorating Caroline’s locker for her birthday. Bonnie arrives, apologizing for being late because she was doing spells. Elena takes this opportunity to tell her that Jeremy is leaving town on account of Damon compelling him. She swears it’s for his own good and says she’s only telling Bonnie so they can work out their unresolved issues before he leaves. Oh, how kind of her. Bonnie sneaks a peek at Jer down the hall with total bitch face on.
Back at the creepy abandoned dead witch house, Damon is beating the unopened coffin with a shovel. Stefan warns him it’s a waste of time, which duh. They put their gorgeous heads together and try to guess who is in the coffin. Klaus is one of seven, and he and Rebekah are roaming free. Two of his brothers died prior to them becoming vamps so that leaves three Originals. So why are there four coffins? Quite curious. Bonnie seems to think the mystery coffin contains the key to killing Klaus but it does them no good if the coffin won’t open. Damon throws some shade at the dead witches for being unable to open it despite all their mystical powers. Hasn’t he learned not to sass the dead witches yet? Stefan is more concerned with Klaus and his hybrids finding their hiding place. He wants to go on the offensive, threatening to dump the Originals in the ocean. Damon is the voice of reason for once, cautioning against pissing off Klaus. He has threatened to kill everyone around Stefan after all. Stef is prepared to call what he thinks is Klaus’s bluff, taking off despite Damon’s warning.
Bonnie approaches Jeremy in the school hallway, inquiring about Denver. He gives her the party line about it being the best decision- a way for him to have a normal life while all the Klaus craziness ensues. Bonnie gets upset that he is parroting Elena’s words but quickly shakes it off.
Caroline pulls into the Mystic Falls High School parking lot where she is approached by Tyler, who she SO does not want to talk to. She rages a little, reminding him that Jeremy was almost killed because of him and asks what his plan is for breaking the sire bond. Ty doesn’t seem to think there is anything that can be done. He apologizes to Caroline for being unable to put her first in his life and tells her that he understand why she can’t be with him. He gives her a charm bracelet and wishes her a happy birthday. Don’t make me feel the feels Tyler. Don’t do it.
Klaus closes the lid on Rebekah’s coffin and asks one of his hybrid’s to show her to her new room in his mansion. Stefan arrives and they have some back and forth about who has rights to Mystic Falls. It goes exactly where one would expect- no where. Klaus has a sad about the lack of friendship between them and Stefan gets all righteous, reminding him that he took away Stef’s free will. Not exactly the best foot to start on friendship wise. Klaus is kind of adorable, blaming it on his moody behavior. Stefan threatens to kill the hybrids if they don’t leave town and Klaus threatens to kill everyone around Stef. Stefan ups the ante, saying he’ll drop Elijah in the middle of the ocean and Klaus retaliates by saying he’ll kill Damon. Mindy the hybrid interrupts their pissing contest to see if everything is okay so Stefan chops her head off. He plays the old “one down” card and leaves Klaus to seethe in anger.
Caroline enters her house to find it full of her besties who are there to wish her a happy birthday, complete with balloons and party hats. It’s so freaking cute I can barely contain myself. They try to entice her into coming out to the Falls with them, promising cake and tequila. I am SO there. Unfortunately Caroline isn’t feeling it, having a sad about no longer aging on her birthday. Poor Care. She just wants to wallow but Elena has another idea.
Tyler arrives at Klaus’s mansion as Klaus tells Daniel the hybrid to burn Mindy’s head. Klaus wants him to help exact a little revenge against Stefan. Ty wants to be left out of Klaus’s plan on account of his losing all of his friends and girlfriend since becoming a hybrid. Klaus, being pretty much the least compassionate creature in Mystic Falls, tells Tyler to bite Caroline. Ty refuses even when Klaus tries to play the sire bond card. Klaus is mildly disappointed but doesn’t compel him, saying he’ll find another way to get back at Stefan.
Damon and Ric discuss Stefan and his new risk it all attitude as they head to a Council meeting. Damon thinks Stef has turned the dimmer switch on his humanity, not completely turning it off yet also not giving much of a fuck. Ric throws some shade at Damon about his humanity dimmer switch. I love when they get snarky with each other. They enter the meeting which is being held in secret during a Wickery Bridge Restoration Fundraiser. Ric is just like the rest of us, wondering why a Council meeting can never just be a meeting.
Caroline and friends have moved the party from her house to the Salvatore crypt. Gross. Elena’s genius plan is to throw a funeral for Caroline rather than a birthday party. Care seems to be totally okay with this idea, beginning her own eulogy. According to her friends she was a cheerleader, Miss Mystic Falls, a hopscotch champion, friend, daughter, overachiever, and mean girl. Elena sticks some candles into her (funeral?) cake and Bonnie lights them with her magical powers. Caroline blows out the candles and makes a wish.
Ric is checking out a model of Wickery Bridge at Town Hall. Damon reminds him that the bridge is where Elena and Jeremy’s parents died. That’s awfully glum. Ric asks if he knows what’s been up with Elena lately. Rather than spill the beans about their kiss, Damon tells him it’s probably just Stefan. Right. Damon leaves to write a check and Dr. Meredith Fell appears. She has an awfully strange way to flirting, telling Ric she thought he would drop dead in his sleep from his injuries. Cheery broad, that Dr. Fell. She casually mentions that town vampire problem and reveals that she is a member of the Founder’s Council. She asks about Damon as she is supposed to be soliciting him for money. When Ric mentions Damon is loaded, she tells him a British man at the fundraiser has offered to match every dollar they raise. Ric looks around the room and sees the British man in question- Klaus. Because of course.
Klaus is laying the charm on quite thickly with Mrs. Lockwood, inquiring about the color of her eyes. Damon interrupts them to kind of not really compliment Klaus’s vest. The level of passive aggressiveness is almost too much to handle. Carol asks Damon if he will make a donation to restore the bridge and Damon counters by asking why she’s kissing Klaus’s ass when he turned her son into a hybrid. She tells him that Klaus has offered to protect the town if they can get Stefan to leave him and his hybrids alone. She threatens to have the council take action against Stef if Damon can’t get him under control. Klaus is quite smug through the entire interaction. Not his best look.
Back at the Salvatore crypt, Caroline and co. are enjoying cake and tequila. That’s what I call a funeral. Caroline admits to texting Tyler and Elena gently chides her, bringing about the ire of Bonnie. She snaps at Elena for be controlling, of Caroline and Jeremy. Because a birthday party/funeral is the appropriate place for a confrontation. Elena explains that she’s trying to do right by her little brother and begs Bonnie not to tell Jer. Bonnie is kind of an asshole and leaves. Good riddance.
Damon and Sheriff Forbes walk through the fundraiser discussing the new Klaus situation. Liz is very firm about not doing Klaus’s bidding nor letting innocent people get killed because Stefan is throwing a hissy. It’s nice to see someone act like an adult for once. Meanwhile, Meredith is arguing with a man named Brian who is threatening to end her career. Ric swoops in, all chivalrous, asking if there is a problem. Brian cautions him from playing white knight, calling Meredith a “psycho case” before storming off. It would appear that jerk-face is the medical examiner. Fantastic.
Stefan has managed to infiltrate the fundraiser, grabbing a huge knife off of a table. Because every good party I’ve been to just has knives lying around. He follows Daniel the hybrid upstairs and stabs him in the stomach. He’s about to slice Dan’s throat when Damon rushes in to save the day. Damon warns Stefan against causing a scene at the Founder’s party. They have some back and forth about Elena’s role in the making of new hybrids and whether Stefan cares about her or not. Stefan swears he doesn’t care and has passed Elena protection duty to Damon. Damon accuses him of having a fried humanity switch and tells him that he has to be smarter if he wants to defeat Klaus. Stefan disagrees, saying he has to be a better villain.
Tyler arrives at the Salvatore crypt to crash the party and asks to speak to Caroline outside. While they exit stage left Matt and Elena are left inside to get drunk. Matt is sweet as always, saying he only wishes the best for his friends. Elena has a sad over messing with Jeremy’s head but she just wants to protect the people she loves. Outside, Tyler tells Caroline that Klaus can’t control him because he loves her. Then they make out a little bit. All seems to be going well when Ty suddenly bites her neck! He apologizes profusely, not seeming to understand what happened. She is, quite justifiably, pissed and yells at him to leave. He takes off and she slumps to the ground.
Matt and Elena go looking for Caroline and are having a little bit of a moment when suddenly Matt is knocked out. Stefan appears and silences Elena before whisking her off into the dark. There is no way this can end well.
Stefan is driving in his fancy car, having deposited Elena in the passenger seat. Her phone rings and Stefan answers it, telling Damon that he’s making his next move. He asks what Klaus will do if he can’t make any more hybrids before throwing the phone out of the car window. Very mature. Elena screams at Stefan to let her out of the car while he drives like a maniac.
Damon grabs Klaus at the fundraiser and pulls him into an empty room to tell him that Stefan is planning on killing Elena. He begs Klaus to send him hybrids out of town but Klaus thinks Stefan is bluffing.
Matt has found Caroline and enters her house carrying her in his arms. If she wasn’t dying it would be quite romantic. He shouts for Liz and tells her that Tyler bit Care. He deposits her into bed while she hallucinates and apologizes to her mother.
Elena questions Stefan’s big plan as he speeds down the road. He tells her that he took Klaus’s family and doesn’t want him making a replacement one, so he may turn her into a vampire. She is less than thrilled with this plan and begs him to stop the car. So he calls Klaus. Klaus calls what he thinks is Stefan’s bluff and Stefan retaliates by biting his wrist and forcing Elena to drink his blood. Klaus becomes concerned as he listens to Elena screaming in the background. He promises to call off the hybrids and gets Stefan to stop his car right before he drives off of Wickery Bridge. Stefan is a for real fuckhead. Elena’s parents DIED on that bridge. She almost died there. Dimmed humanity or not, he deserves a serious neck snapping so he can think about what he almost did.
Elena bolts from the car and begins screaming/crying about the things I mentioned above. Stefan tells that her fear had to be real for Klaus to agree to his terms. Now that he knows Klaus’s weakness, he thinks he can destroy him. Elena questions his obsession with killing Klaus which, truth be told, is getting more than a tad obnoxious. Stefan tells her that destroy Klaus is all he has and she counters by saying that he had her. He says he lost her the minute he left town with Klaus and that he doesn’t care what she thinks. Then he drives away, leaving her to cry alone in the middle of the bridge.
Matt goes to the door of the Forbes’s house and who should he find but Klaus who has been alerted to Caroline’s situation by a distraught Tyler. He takes the opportunity to bargain with Liz- he will save Caroline’s life if she offers him support. She agrees and invites him inside. Couldn’t she have carried Caroline outside? I don’t think I’d want Klaus having an all access pass to my house. Thanks but no thanks.
Klaus goes to Caroline’s bedroom and is shocked to find she thinks he would kill her on her birthday. As it turns out, Klaus loves birthdays! He gives a very sweet speech about all the things Caroline should get in life now that she’s a vampire:
“…I could let you die, if that’s what you want. If you really believe your existence has no meaning. I thought about it myself, once or twice over the centuries, truth will be told. But I’ll let you in on a little secret. There is a whole world out there, waiting for you. Great cities and art and music, genuine beauty. And you can have all of it. You can have a thousand more birthdays. All you have to do is ask.”
She decides to live so he offers up his wrist and wishes her a happy birthday. Is it weird that I’m feeling sexual tension between them right now?
Damon is at the Gilbert house having picked Elena up from Wickery Bridge. He wants to make sure that she’s alright while simultaneously telling her that he’s proud of Stefan for pushing Klaus to his breaking point. But mostly it’s about stroking her face while checking on her well being. Because Elena is the worst she tells him that he can’t kiss her again because it’s not right. Because Damon is freaking perfect he replies by saying it isn’t right now. They say good night and he heads off into the darkness.
Morning arrives and the Gilbert kids hug it out before Jeremy leaves to start his new life in Denver. Elena has just enough time to warn him to be safe before Bonnie arrives. She hugs Jer and wishes him a goodbye. Well, that was extremely anti-climactic.
Caroline wakes up to find that her bite has been healed and a box has been left by Klaus. She opens it to find a stunning diamond and gold bracelet inside. Damn girl, if you don’t date him, I totally will.
Matt joins Elena on the Wickery Bridge where she gives him a mini-speech about how she’s been holding onto the girl she was before her parents died and she fell in love with a vampire. They have an odd little funeral for the old Elena while Matt reassures her that it’s okay to let go.
Ric is at the Mystic Grill having a drink at the bar when Meredith arrives. They bond over being day drinkers and he buys her a beer. I guess this qualifies as a first date?
Liz and Damon walk through the woods toward a crime scene. Brian the medical examiner has been staked even though he wasn’t a vampire. Oh shit, there’s a murderer on the loose!
BODY COUNT: 3
Random hybrid, Mindy, and Brian
DAMON: “Oh yeah, that’s a great idea Stefan. Why don’t you just ask them to pack their bags and take a long rest while we are at it?”
DAMON: “Oh, please don’t tell me you’re gonna drink the Klaus Kool-Aid.”
STEFAN: “To beat the villain, Damon, you have to be the better villain.”