Things I Do When I Miss You

  • Go card shopping. While looking for one amazing card to send you, I find one to send to Mom for her anniversary, three to send to Bestie and two for you. Debate over which of the two cards is perfect for you. End up purchasing ALL THE CARDS!
  • People watch outside my window. Make up stories about the folks I see walking around. Giggle when I see street youths skateboarding. Think “youths” is the funniest word. Thanks Schmidt.
  • Gather bag of clothes to donate to Goodwill. End up trying on almost half of my closet to make sure I really want to get rid of them. Play “Fashion” by David Bowie on repeat while doing so.
  • Throw out old, broken down shoes. Remember early in our relationship when I used to text you a picture of the shoes I wore every morning. Start looking through photos of shoe-clad feet. Suddenly want pedicure and foot rub.
  • Start to weed through my books, tossing “immature” (read: vampire) ones into the Goodwill box. Realize I don’t know if we own any duplicate books. Freak out that we have no books in common. Remind self that I bought you a copy of The Phantom Tollbooth, so we’re guaranteed at least that. Begin process of calming down.
  • Go to storage space with intention of clearing out all the junk. Being to read Trivial Pursuit cards and rebuild Lego rocket ship my cousin made for me when we were twelve and I wanted to be an astronaut. Briefly mourn that there will be no more astronauts. Put two Rubbermaid containers in car to go through at home. Leave with Halloween wine glasses and childhood bed sheets destined for Goodwill.
  • Arrive at Goodwill and hand over my books, clothes, and glasses. Cannot resist keeping old sheets and comforter. Convince myself that Mom wants my little sister to have my old linens, despite them being approximately twenty-five years old. And probably peed on at some point.
  • Open up Rubbermaid containers at home and find shit ton of Magic the Gathering cards, amongst other things. Try to determine exactly how many Magic cards one girl needs. Decide the answer is all of them.
  • Look at recipes online, planning to impress you with my culinary prowess next time we are together. Get bored and resign myself to the fact that the only food I will ever cook for you is lasagna and salad.
  • Try to watch TV shows but every tall guy with dark hair reminds me of you. Start to Google shows with only blonde cast members. Worry my computer will think I am a Nazi. Stop search.
  • Watch the video I made of you playing at your last show. Watch five or six more times. Somehow think it’s less creepy if I don’t keep an exact count.
  • Prepare to record my singing a song that reminds me of you. Realize my voice is shit and I don’t play an instrument. Record anyway. Listen to song and feel vomit rise in the back of my throat. Delete all traces that song ever existed.
  • Start to make you a mixed CD. Feel confidant in choice of first song. Panic while choosing second song. Delete playlist completely. Start new playlist with same exact first song. Give up on playlist making. Listen to mixed CDs made in 2001.
  • While listening to music, realize that I don’t know your position on America. The band, not the country. Make a mental note to ask the next time we talk. Listen to “Ventura Highway” and “Sister Golden Hair” multiple times.
  • Write you a letter (in a card) detailing everything my heart has felt since being with you. Consider destroying letter as it is overly sentimental and full of flowery prose. Text you about letter, forcing myself to send it. Regret not lighting letter aflame in a garbage can. Am happy to have shared my true thoughts. Make you promise to never blackmail me with said letter.
  • Consider sending you a witty text message. Brain freezes and fingers type something that is only vaguely English. Thank the heavens above that the delete button exists. Instead text about aforementioned letter. Wish Earth would swallow me up whole.
  • Go to sleep. Tomorrow will be a less embarrassing day. Right?
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