Make It Stop!: Songs I Never Want to Hear Again 2001-2012

More awfulness as I round out the most recent auditory irritants to come my way. I have to say, I’ve noticed that these posts are getting progressively nastier as I write them, probably because I have to read song lyrics and actually play the songs to jog my memory in some places. Note to self: never try to analyze why you hate things again. Just accept that you do and move forward.

As in the last two posts, I will try to pinpoint why I am filled with such seething hatred. If there is no description detailing what about the song has driven me to madness, well that just means that I couldn’t come up with anything better than “it makes my ears bleed”.

Drops of Jupiter - Drops of Jupiter “Drops of Jupiter” / Train (2001)

I hate Train. There, I said it. They sound like a band that a bunch of dads put together in a garage on a cul-de-sac. The lead singer is very whiny and the only thing I want to tell him is that he needs to see a vocal coach before he records anything else.

My Sacrifice - Creed: Greatest Hits “My Sacrifice” / Creed (2001)

I think of Creed as a prank. The entire career of the band is like one big practical joke, much like Puddle of Mudd or Nickleback. If you’re going to write a power-ballad, make it something worth listening too. This just sounds like angry men working through some issues.

Follow Me - Double Wide “Follow Me” / Uncle Kracker (2001)

I don’t want to find anyone else like Uncle Kracker because the sound of his voice makes me wish I was deaf. This is one of those cases where even Auto-Tune couldn’t save the song, and he uses it throughout. Also, he has mentioned that the song alludes to drug use and cheating. Like anyone would want to cheat with him. Let’s be serious here.

A Thousand Miles - Be Not Nobody “A Thousand Miles” / Vanessa Carlton (2002)

Yes, the scene in White Chicks where Terry Crews sings this song is comedic gold. That being said, this song being nominated for a Grammy is horrendous. Yes, the piano sounds awesome. No, Vanessa’s voice does not.

Sk8er Boi - Let Go “Sk8er Boi” / Avril Lavigne (2002)

I’m not into alt girl rock. It feels like she is trying too hard to be edgy. Everyone wants to be friends with the girl who is actually a badass, not just one who plays pretend by wearing a lot of eye liner and ugly ties. Also, I know how to spell and monstrosities like the very “words” sk8er and boi piss me off. Avril Lavigne is not a gifted writer, as evident in the following lyrics: “He was a boy/ She was a girl/ Can I make it anymore obvious?” WTF does that even mean? Two people of the opposite sex meet so they are destined to be soulmates? Give me a break.

The Remedy (I Won't Worry) - Waiting for My Rocket to Come “The Remedy (I Won’t Worry)” / Jason Mraz (2003)

I have heard this song more times that I can count. It is atrocious. I feel like there was a period of time when a bunch of songs came out by relentlessly cheerful males, who are pretty much my least favorite breed.

100 Years - 100 Years - Single “100 Years” / Five for Fighting (2003)

This song is like reading a diary. A diary written by a middle school girl. Guess what? There is still plenty of time for you to make decisions and live life at 22, 33, and 45. Also, I don’t want to live to be 100. That is more than enough time.

Are You Happy Now? - Hotel Paper “Are You Happy Now?” / Michelle Branch (2003)

While I can appreciate some of Michelle’s songs, this one just doesn’t work for me. I feel like I’ve heard this song a lot in singing competitions from rocker grrls (stupid spelling intentional), and it grates on me every time.

Calling All Angels - My Private Nation “Calling All Angels” / Train (2003)

Please see previous comment about Train.

Unwritten - Unwritten “Unwritten” / Natasha Bedingfield (2004)

Collide - Now That's What I Call Love “Collide” / Howie Day (2004)

I have met Howie Day and he is sort of a douche, which makes me prejudice against his music. If I ever collide with Howie again, I’m pretty sure I’ll throw up on him.

Accidentally In Love - Accidentally In Love - Single “Accidentally in Love” / Counting Crows (2004)

Shrek 2 came out and this song could not be escaped. The repetition is nauseating. Here are the final “lyrics” to the song:

We’re accidentally in love,
Accidentally in love,
Accidentally in love,
Accidentally in love,
Accidentally in love,
Accidentally in love,
Accidentally in love,
Accidentally in love,
Accidentally in love,
I’m in love,
I’m in love,
I’m in love,
I’m in love,
I’m in love,
I’m in love,
I’m in love,
I’m in love,
I’m in love,
I’m in love,
I’m in love,
I’m in love,

My Happy Ending - Under My Skin “My Happy Ending” / Avril Lavigne (2004)

See above, re: trying too hard to be hard. “Punk princess” is not a thing. Stop trying to make it work.

Bad Day - Daniel Powter “Bad Day” / Daniel Powter (2005)

This song is guaranteed to put me in a foul mood. Being told I had a bad day sixteen times in the span of one song is not my idea of fun. Also, again with the cheerfulness. PLEASE MAKE THIS STOP HAPPENING.

Black Horse & the Cherry Tree (Radio Version) - Black Horse & the Cherry Tree - Single “Black Horse and the Cherry Tree” / KT Tunstall (2005)

Lips of an Angel - Extreme Behavior “Lips of an Angel” / Hinder (2006)

My mom had a friend that we went on a car trip with. She insisted on playing this song multiple times during the two hour drive, believing it to be some sort of masterpiece. It’s a song about cheating on your significant other. Why would anyone want to listen to that?

Waiting On the World to Change - Continuum “Waiting on the World to Change” / John Mayer (2006)

Despite being a total scumbag (Katy Perry, what are you thinking?), I tend to like John Mayer’s music. He is a gifted guitarist and I like the sound of his voice. This song, however, is a major NO for me. The complete apathy here drives me crazy. Hasn’t he ever heard the saying “Be the change you want to see”? You can’t sit back and wait for others to make changes for you, no matter how small a part of the machine you may be. It’s frustrating and I don’t want to listen to it.

How to Save a Life - Grey's Anatomy, Vol. 1, 2 & 3 (Original Soundtrack) “How to Save a Life” / The Fray (2006)

This song is the equivalent of Bridget Jones’s Diary. My mom, bless her heart, is known for becoming mildly (or majorly) obsessed with certain songs/movies and playing them over and over until the rest of the family wants to drink some of Jim Jones’s kool-aid.

Suddenly I See - Eye to the Telescope “Suddenly I See” / KT Turnstall (2006)

I worked at a video store during the time period that this song was released and we were required to play a DVD created by the company on a loop. It was approximately half an hour long and had music videos that played two or three times within that time frame. As a result, I heard this song twenty to thirty times a day, depending on how long my shift was. THIRTY TIMES A DAY. FOR AN ENTIRE MONTH.

Love Song - Little Voice “Love Song” / Sara Bareilles (2007)

My mom likes to have music as her ring tones, which wouldn’t be a bad thing except that she chooses songs like this. The chorus would blare from her phone every time that she received a phone call or a text message. You could hear it throughout the entire house. This went on for a period of over a year. She is lucky I did not smash her phone into a million pieces.

Hey, Soul Sister - Hey, Soul Sister - Single “Hey, Soul Sister” / Train (2009)

Another song I don’t feel as though I can escape. It has been over three years since this came out and I still hear it everywhere- singing competition shows, commercials, movies, laundromats. It is ubiquitous and I need it to stop. If Darren Criss covers it and I still can’t bare to listen, then I know something is seriously wrong; I would listen to Darren sing an IT manual.

Pocketful of Sunshine - Pocketful of Sunshine “Pocketful of Sunshine” / Natasha Bedingfield (2008)

Aggressive cheerfulness. While I do love Emma Stone singing this in Easy A, this song drives me crazy. She sings the phrase “Take me away” more than thirty times in three and a half minutes. This is not quality songwriting.

A Thousand Years - The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn, Pt. 1 (Original Motion Picture Soundtrack) [Deluxe Version] “A Thousand Years” / Christina Perri (2011)

“I have died every day waiting for you” is not romantic or sexy. It is gross and weird. I feel uncomfortable, like she is stalking me. And not in a fun way but in a wear my skin and bury my head under the cellar floor kind of way.

We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together - Red “We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together” / Taylor Swift (2012)

This is the first Taylor Swift song I have ever heard. It’s one of the few benefits to never listening to the radio; while I miss a lot of good music, I also miss shit like this. The spoken word portion of the song is the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard. The upswing in her voice when she sings the word “we” makes me want to die and fact that she repeats the word “ever” what feels like a million times makes me wish that she would to.

Let's Have a Kiki - Magic Hour (Deluxe Version) “Let’s Have a Kiki” / Scissor Sisters (2012)

None of this song makes sense to me. I guess I have to be a gay man to understand? The worst part is the “voicemail” left at the beginning of the song. Do people really talk like that and if so, why? I’m at a complete loss.


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