Anna greets the female vamp that we last saw in town square (aka Bethanne). The vampires are having a hard time adjusting to living in the present; they can’t even figure out how to use the remote. A male vampire is feeding from the wrist of Ms. Gibbons, the house owner. She also has a bite mark on her neck. Anna has a look of disgust on her face when she sees them. Not her vintage? Anna suggests that Ms. Gibbons lie down but the male vamp compels her to say that she is fine. This dude is trouble.
At the Donovan house, Matt is looking devilishly handsome (as always), calling for his loser mother. She is ultra hungover, having brought home a male the previous night. A male with whom she made quite the racket. Poor Matt. Seeing as he is the only adult in his house, he has spoken with his boss about getting his mother a job as a bartender. He is surprised when Kelly says she’ll check out the job, seeing as back rent is due as well as back everything else. I’ve always wondered how Matt paid the bills. Apparently, no one does. Kelly gets bitchy when Caroline knocks on the door. I get that Caroline can sometimes be selfish and narcissistic, but it’s ridiculous to dislike a teenage girl because you fought with her mom in high school.
Stefan and Elena meet in the hallway at school and discuss Damon. Since opening the tomb and failing to find Katherine there, he has been despondent. Elena is kind of a dick in this situation. Yes, Damon bites witches that he shouldn’t and turns lonely drug addicts into vampires, but that doesn’t mean that he deserves 145 years of pining after someone only to discover that she couldn’t care less about him. The conversation switches from Damon to Isobel. Yes, Elena has been thinking about her but no, she doesn’t want to talk about it. Silly Elena. She thinks she can forget all vampires who aren’t named Stefan and live a “normal” life. Good luck with that.
Matt and Caroline are also in the hall, discussing plans for date night. Caroline is leery about watching a movie at the Donovan house, what with Kelly hating her and all. She changes her tune when she catches Matt watching Elena and Stefan kiss. She goes in for a smooch of her own but misses the mark. Poor girl.
At the super creepy house in the woods, Pearl is teaching Harper all about texting. She seems to be adjusting well to 145 years worth of technological advances. A voicemail from Jeremy starts playing and Anna rushes out to turn it off. Harper asks if the message is from her boyfriend to which Pearl answers no. Looks like Mama Bear isn’t cool with her daughter spending time with a Gilbert. Anna and Pearl leave the house to tend to business, leaving Harper and Frederick (the creepy wrist sucker from the beginning of the episode) in charge.
Caroline is in the hallway with Elena and Stefan, pitching a double date. She wants to get rid of any awkwardness between the couples, and even though Elena is initially reluctant, Stefan talks her into it, promising fun. I can’t remember the last time any fun event in Mystic Falls didn’t result in some sort of tragedy. Maybe this will be the first?
Damon is wandering around the Salvatore Boarding House in a fantastic leather jacket when he enters the living room (?) and finds Pearl and Anna. He’s not happy that they have entered unannounced, but as Pearl reminds him, without a living person in residence, the place is fair game. Damon grabs Pearl by the throat in what is supposed to be a threatening manner, but she twists his wrist, bringing him to his knees. She asks him to take a seat and he obliges.
Jeremy is at the Gilbert house surfing the lamest chat room ever, titled The Lair. He asks how you become a vampire and receives stupid joking answers such as Brad Pitt and Wayne Newton. He asks how to kill a vampire and has the gall to type “Serious answers only please.” Serious answers about what everyone assume are fictional creatures in a chat room? I take back anything nice I’ve said about Emo. He is stupid and I find it infuriating. He finally gets an answer about stakes in hearts.
Back at the Salvatore Boarding House, Pearl is telling Damon about the released tomb vampires that have take up residence in poor Ms. Gibbons’s super creepy house. She asks Damon about the Founder’s Council and his role in it, having been brought up to speed by Anna. She wants him to provide her with a list of all council members, as well as the vervained townspeople. She demands that he stop giving them vervain. In return for his help, she offers to track down Katherine for him. When he tries to blow her off she vamps out and begins gouging his eyeballs, then threatens to tear him limb from limb. She’s not very good at playing with others.
Saint Stefan arrives at the Gilbert house with flowers in hand. It is pretty adorable. There is some cute banter back and forth during which he reveals that he owns a car he never drives. Elena second guesses whether they can have a normal life where they do things like go on double dates. Stefan, of all people, reminds her that they don’t have to be so serious all the time. When she asks if he has ever been on a double date, he cracks a joke about Playboy twins. At least, we think it’s a joke.
Pearl and Anna have abandoned Damon and are now meeting Jenna in front of an office building. Turns out Pearl’s old apothecary shop was taken over by the Gilberts. As Jenna leads them inside, Anna sees Jeremy walking. Because she likes horrible things, she watches him like a creepy weirdo stalker.
Kelly is getting her drink on at the Mystic Grill when she is joined by Damon. She is basically the luckiest woman ever: day drinking AND the better looking Salvatore. He orders a bourbon, further cementing my undying love for him. Turns out Kelly is supposed to be interviewing for the bartender position with the manager, who’s boyfriend she just happened to bang last time she was in town. Kelly Donovan is obviously a woman who knows how to make friends. Jenna pops into the bar and is SUPER EXCITED to see Kelly, her old babysitter/drinking partner. Kelly refers to Jenna as being the crazy one which really makes me wish for a flashback. Jenna pretends to be all responsible, but Kelly convinces her to take a night off. The trio commence getting their drink on!
Frederick is at the super creepy house in the woods, bitching about being locked up. Harper tells him to quit whining and Frederick is kinda-sorta really racist, calling him boy and getting in his face. Bethanne tries to play peacekeeper as they begin shoving each other around. Pearl shows up and is awesome, choking Frederick and telling him to slow his roll and keep a low profile, lest he be recognized by the Salvatore Brothers. Frederick blames our favorite boys for their capture.
Double date time is kicking off at the Mystic Grill. Why would you plan a date where you take one of the datees to their place of business? Elena asks Matt a series of boring questions about how he likes work and how things are going with his mom back in town. She tells Stefan that Kelly was best friends with mom, resulting in her and Matt sharing a crib. That is totally what you should tell your new boyfriend while on a date with your old boyfriend. Caroline is starting to get agitated by the trip down memory lane when the drunken trio grab their attention. Matt is not impressed.
Harper busts Frederick and Bethanne trying to escape from the creepy house. He reminds them that Pearl warned them against leaving but Fredrick is a dickhead and leaves anyway.
At the Gilbert house, Jeremy hears a knock at the front door. Who should it be but Anna who, last he knew, was supposed to be moving away with her mother. She’s all like, sike! JK about the whole moving thing. Anna waltz on in to the house while Jeremy gives her back a meaningful glance.
Damon is being mad depressing while continuing to get his drink on. Talking about being abandoned and on shaky ground- not a turn on. Over at the pool table, the kids are continuing their awesome date by watching their guardians get wasted. This prompts another trip down memory lane. This time the topic is getting drunk after homecoming and getting busted by Elena’s parents. Matt and Elena reminisce about being grounded from seeing each other and share a laugh, which makes Caroline have to pee and you better believe she needs Elena’s help. Jenna and Kelly finally notice the children for which they are responsible. Excellent active parenting.
Back at the Gilbert house, Anna is telling Jeremy all about the new store that Pearl plans on opening. Snoozeville. She also tells him that she wants to trying attending high school like a real girl. Jeremy uses this to segue into a discussion on vampires. He makes up a lie about writing another research paper, this time about how misunderstood vampires have been. He’s trying to test Anna but she tells him that she made up all the stuff she said about vamps earlier in an attempt to impress him because she found him “all cute and floppy”. BTW- worst description ever.
While the guys wait for the girls to emerge from the bathroom, they shoot a game of pool and discuss why Stefan is “that guy”. You know the type: the guy who seems to have everything which makes others stay clear of him due to extreme jealousy. Meanwhile, Caroline is giving Elena a serious talking to in the ladies. She’s pissed that Elena is talking to Matt rather than shoving her and Stefan’s relationship in his face. This makes me want to punch Caroline in HER face.
Frederick, having journeyed to the Mystic Grill, sees Elena chasing after Caroline. He grabs her arm and calls her Katherine. She tells him that he has the wrong person but he creepily watches her. When she retreats back to the pool table, he sees that she is with Stefan. Elena thinks she is super sneaky, writing a text message on her phone that she shows Stefan: “That man over there just called me Katherine”. When Stefan looks up, Frederick has vanished.
Elena drives Stefan home and they discuss Frederick. Stefan wants to send Matt and Caroline home so they can deal with the tomb vamp but Elena wants to continue with their “normal” night. FYI- getting scolded in the bathroom by your best friend for talking to her boyfriend is generally not normal. Soon Matt and Caroline arrive to continue the awkwardfest. I feel the need to mention how much I love Matt’s truck.
The group ventures inside the Salvatore Boarding House. Caroline takes the opportunity to point out how nice it is to not watch Damon flirting with older chicks. I often forget that they had something going on. I have a sad for Matt when he mentions his entire house could fit inside of their living room… twice. Kid isn’t lying. Caroline mentions feeling as though she has been there before. Maybe compulsion isn’t 100%? Stefan and Matt bond over model cars. It’s adorable.
Back at the Mystic Grill, Damon and Kelly are flirting. It makes me die a little inside when Damon uses his tongue to retrieve the cherry stem from her mouth. Jenna must feel similarly because she takes that as her cue to scoot out.
In the Salvatore garage, Stefan shows Matt his 1962 Porsche 356 B. It is truly a beautiful work of art. Matt tells Stefan about the Camaro he helped Elena’s dad build. He isn’t telling him about it to be a dick, just as a way of relating to him. Caroline is snotty, commenting on how she dislikes sports cars because they are hard to make out in. Matt gives her a taste of her own medicine, telling her it wasn’t so bad while looking at Elena. Now he’s kind of being a dick but she deserved it. Girl needs to stop being so insecure. It’s not flattering. Caroline storms off and Elena chases after her. Matt apologizes to Stefan for his comment, and tells him that he thinks they are a good match. Stefan and Elena that is. He makes her happy and that’s all that matters to Matt. I love this kid.
As Jenna leaves the Mystic Grill, the heel snaps off of her shoe. Does this ever happen in real life? I feel like my shoes are pretty sturdy. Frederick offers to help by snapping the heel off of her other shoe. He asks if she was just inside with Damon Salvatore and manages to get his address from her. He is acting flirty (but not really) and tries to compel her but she laughs it off thanks to her vervain perfume. She heads home in a cab as Bethanne joins Frederick.
Elena finally catches up with Caroline outside the Salvatore Boarding House. She calls Caroline out on being ridiculous, to which she admits. Caroline just can’t get over feeling like she is second fiddle. She’s Matt second choice after Elena and Elena’s second choice after Bonnie. Someone please play the world’s smallest violin for Ms. Forbes. The boys pull up in the Porsche and Stefan tells Caroline to go for a ride with Matt. Elena has a sigh over girlfriends being just as much trouble as vampires.
In the Gilbert kitchen, Jeremy and Anna are making sandwiches. How quaint. Jeremy cuts his hand accidentally on purpose and forces Anna to look at the blood. Super freak. She vamps out and slams him against the fridge. He tells her to suck the blood out of his palm and she obliges until they hear Jenna arrive home. Anna disappears out of a back door, leaving Jeremy and his weirdness all alone.
Matt stops the car in a clearing and asks Caroline if he passed her test. He knows that she was feeling out how he would do around Elena. He tells her that tonight was about him being with Caroline. The rest was just old friends sharing in long gone memories. Basically everything Matt says and does is golden. They make out and I am ridiculously jealous.
Inside the Salvatore Boarding House, Damon and Kelly share a drink. They start making out and my eyes are bleeding. I hate every second of this. Poor Matt walks in on his mother straddling Damon up against a wall. Kelly freaks and exits just as Elena and Stefan walk in.
Anna tries to discreetly sneak into the super creepy house in the woods. Pearl arrives and lets her know that she isn’t fooling her with her “out for some air” story. Anna doesn’t tell her where she’s been but apologizes. Eventually Pearl is going to learn she’s dating Jeremy. Might as well fess up now.
Elena and Caroline leave the Salvatore Boarding House after Stefan makes a big deal about wanting to drive Elena home and protect her from harm, and blah blah blah. Frederick watches the exchange from outside like a creeper. Once inside the house, Stefan starts to lecture Damon when Frederick leaps through a window and stabs Stefan with a shard of glass. Damon pushes him off and starts to fight. As Stefan pulls the glass out of his chest, Bethanne arrives. She tries to join in by knocking Stefan to the floor but he grabs the leg off of a wooden chair and stakes her with it. Frederick sees that Bethanne is dead and flees. Stefan tells Damon he remembers them from 1864 and Damon presumably tells him about his visit from Pearl.
At the Donovan house, Kelly tries to apologize for her immature and reckless behavior but Matt isn’t having it. He lectures her on responsibility and bill paying. Matt Donovan, will you marry me?
The Gilbert kids have a moment brushing their teeth together. They are both pretending everything is “same old, same old”.
Frederick has returned to the super creepy house in the woods. Pearl asks where Bethanne is and he tells her that she was right, they shouldn’t have left. She offers him blood from a plastic bottle and stabs him with a wooden spoon handle. AWESOME.
Elena and Stefan talk on the phone because they can’t bare to be separated for more than two seconds. They each tell the other that they had a really nice time. How sweet. Stefan hangs up and Damon asks for his help in getting rid of Bethanne’s body in the fireplace.
Jeremy is startled when he enters his bedroom and finds Anna waiting for him. She is angry at the bloody palm stunt that he pulled, as she could have killed him. Good point. She asks how he knew and he mentions Vicki and her “animal bite” and the weird behavior that followed. She warns him that he can’t tell anyone. He tells her that if vampires exist, maybe Vicki has become a vampire. Then he tells her that he wants to be turned. Bad news bears.
BODY COUNT: 1
DAMON: “My primary reason for existence has abandoned me and after today’s events the remains of the shaky ground I walk on are about to go kaboom… Let’s get hammered.”
NICE TO MEET YOU
“Better Than This” by Keane. Elena and Stefan talk about Damon at school.
“CloudHead” by In-Flight Safety. Damon and Kelly talk at the Mystic Grill.
“The Ocean” by Tegan & Sara. Elena and Stefan double date with Caroline and Matt at the Mystic Grill.
“Cross My Heart” by Marianas Trench. Damon is super depressing at the bar; double date continues.
“Perfect Day” by The Constellations. Matt and Stefan shoot pool and talk about Stefan being “that guy”; Caroline confronts Elena in the bathroom.
“Crash / Land” by In-Flight Safety. Kelly ties a cherry stem with her tongue.
“Lovesick Mistake” by Erin McCarley. Caroline complains to Elena about being the back up choice.
“The Mess I Made” by Parachute. Matt and Caroline talk in Stefan’s car.