Recap That Noise: Vampire Diaries, 1.13 Children of the Damned

FLASHBACK! Right out the door, even.

MYSTIC FALLS, 1864- A horse-drawn carriage is cruising through a deserted road in the middle on the woods. Well, deserted except for the woman leaning over a body. She screams for help and the driver stops. It’s Katherine! She says her husband has been hurt (wtf?) and the businessman goes to help him. Then she vamps out and attacks the driver. The businessman turns around and she attacks him. She is giving Damon a lesson in feeding and burying bodies in the woods? He is very meek and so un-Damon like. He says he wants to be turned. Looks like he is still human. Katherine kisses him with blood all over her mouth. I may or may not have thrown up in MY mouth a tiny bit as I watched this.

Not quite the sexy Damon we’re used to.

PRESENT DAY- Elena and Stefan are super snuggly in bed. They’re all in love and it’s adorable. Then Damon shows up, sitting on the end of the bed. Rather than being super pumped (as I would be), they freak out. Damon is awesome, making an anatomy reference. This is one of my favorite lines from the entire show (please see QUOTABLES). He is ready to get down to business. The business of opening the tomb. He relegates Elena to journal duty- it’s her job to look in Jonathan Gilbert’s creepy journal for any reference to Emily’s grimoire. Stefan is concerned with Noah (the lamest vampire) and whether he was working alone, so Damon tells him to get to work looking into it. After Damon leaves, Stefan and Elena have more morning smooches, which are really the best kind.

1864- Katherine and Damon are giggling in bed. She vamps out and he caresses her veiny-eyed face. This folks is what we refer to as true love because I can’t even. Emily enters the room and tells Katherine that Miss Pearl is waiting for her. Katherine dresses and comes downstairs. Pearl asks if they can step outside for some girl talk. She wants to know how long Katherine will be around, banging both the Salvatore boys. Katherine plays it coy, saying how nice it is of Mr. Salvatore to let her stay with them after she lost her family to a fire in Atlanta. Likely story. Pearl tells her Honoria Fell (worst name ever, after Noah the ninja vampire) came into her apothecary with an elixir that burns vampires. Pearl tells her it’s vervain and Honoria wants it sold at a discount rate. The Founder’s Council knows! Pearl suggests they move on but Katherine likes Mystic Falls. Or she likes two oft-shirtless citizens of Mystic Falls. Same difference. Pearl’s daughter runs up to greet them- and it’s Anna! All the vamps in town are connected to 1864. She looks BEYOND horrible in her bonnet.

PRESENT- Anna is calling someone referring to herself as a stalker chick. Must be Emo. She tells him she’ll be at the Mystic Grill as Ben walks out of the bathroom shirtless. Ben seems jealous of Jeremy, asking if she really likes him. I’m sorry, but have you seen his hair and lack of muscles? Emo has NOTHING on Ben. Except maybe a brain, because Ben opens the curtains in their hotel room and burns himself with the sunshine. Anna indicates that he does this a lot. Ben sees a dusty leather book and asks if she found the Gilbert Journal to which she replies very snarkily. Poor Ben tells Anna he isn’t stupid. Except, you kind of are hun. She gives him blood so the witch won’t notice he’s weak. Oh right, he has to go on a date with Bonnie. That’s the pits. Ben asks why she chose to turn him and she says he was sad and lacked purpose. SUPER CONFIDENCE BOOSTER.

Please be shirtless always.

Elena and Stefan are in the Gilbert kitchen discussing Damon. Does he actually believe they’re trying to help him? Stefan tells her that Damon doesn’t naturally trust people and CONGRATS Stefan for contributing to that. Worst Brother of the Year award winner. Elena says she thinks Damon really believes that everything he has done has been for love and finds it “kinda sad”. It’s miserable. Stefan is all holier-than-thou, telling her you don’t have to kill to get what you want, Damon is an evil murderer who ruined my life, blah blah blah. If this were a drinking game I would make a rule that everyone must drink when Stefan acts superior. And I would be HAMMERED.

Elena decides this is the perfect time to pull out an old-timey picture of Jonathan Gilbert. Awesome. When isn’t it a perfect time for a picture of a dead ancestor to appear at the kitchen table? She opens a wooden box containing some metal, cloth and leather. I seriously have no clue what the object in there is supposed to be. Jeremy walks in and wants to know what they’re doing. Elena tells him she is looking for Jonathan’s journal, which Alaric still has. Stefan and Elena share a very worried look. How has Jeremy not picked up on the fact that MAJOR secrets are being kept from him? Maybe he is dumber than Ben.

Alaric is sitting in his classroom with the shades drawn, reading Jonathan’s journal by lamp light. Dude, we can all see the sun peeking behind those blinds. Why are you being such a weirdo? Oh great, voice over time. Jonathan met with two individuals known as Barnett and Guiseppe. Are these for real old time names? No, I just Googled it. Neither name made the top 1,000 names during the Civil War. Way to be obscure writers.

1864- AJAX FROM THE WARRIORS IS ONE OF THESE POORLY NAMED MEN! I think I just found a reason to fall even more in love with this show. He asks Jonathan if the Gilbert compass will track vampires. Of course it will. It’s science! Ajax (for lack of a better name) says he thinks the church idea will work when who should bust into the room but Stefan! And he calls him Father! And the other dude is a Lockwood. Stefan’s father was a member of the Original Founder’s Council. Turns out Ajax is the one named Giuseppe. Giuseppe Salvatore. Doesn’t really roll off the tongue. And I’m Italian. He tells Lockwood and Gilbert (sounds like a law firm) that his sons will participate in their plan, even though he hasn’t told them about it. It’s nice to know he has faith.

Mr. Salvatore is motherfucking Ajax from The Warriors!

PRESENT- Ric is photocopying the Gilbert journal. Smart move seeing as it’s such a hot commodity. He puts his journal copy in his personal locker in the teachers lounge while Anna is stalking through the halls. How did she get in? Schools aren’t generally left unlocked on the weekends. Ric throws the original journal back onto his desk when there is a whooshing past the door. Naturally he goes in to investigate. NEVER INVESTIGATE! Ric retrieves a bag of superb vampire weapons from his locker and he totally owns a gun that shoots stakes. It is awesome. He hears a sound and turns around, shooting a stake. Stefan catches it wearing the most awkward expression I have ever seen. Sometimes I can’t tell the difference between characters being serious and being constipated.

Frightening?

Ric rushed to reload his stake gun and Stefan super speeds behind him. He grabs Ric and pushes him into some desks. There goes his good mark in plays well with others on his report card. He tells Ric to take a seat so he can start questioning him on how he makes his weapons? Stefan is a weird dude. He tells Ric he won’t hurt him unless he tries to shoot him again and then hands back the stake gun. Probably not the best move there, champ. Because Stefan is a cool kid, he sits on top of a desk and asks Ric who he is. Ric tells him that he is a teacher and historian. Stefan calls him Van Helsing, which is pretty awesome. Ric dives into his back story- wife Isobel was a parapsychologist, specializing in the Mystic Falls area, until a vampire killed her dead. Stefan asks for the Gilbert journal and Ric tells him it’s on his desk, but it has vanished. Looks like Anna may have finally gotten her grubby paws on it.

Back at the ugliest hotel room ever, Anna is reading Jonathan’s journal while Ben ties his shoes. Good for you Ben! He asks her about the journal, but Anna is a bitch, reminding him of his date and pushing him away when he tries to give her a kiss goodbye. Listen Anna, guys as good looking as Ben don’t grow on trees. Take what you can get. Oh good, a Jonathan Gilbert voice over. He had a crush on Pearl?

1864- Pearl and Katherine are in her apothecary shop talking about leaving town. Katherine just has a few things to attend to before she can bounce. Pearl knows this means turning both Salvatore boys and warns her to be careful. Katherine sees Jonathan walking into the shop and pinches Pearl’s cheeks to make them rosy. For some unfathomable reason I find this hilarious. Jonathan asks to speak to Pearl outside and she plays all coy, asking about the comet overhead. Katherine tells Anna her mother has an admirer. This is gross. No one wants to hear about their mother’s love life. Not even vampires.

Giuseppe is walking with Stefan and Damon, lecturing them on duty as descendants of the original founders. The costumes are hilarious, especially the hair. Stefan tries to reassure him that they can be counted on but Papa Salvatore is hating on Damon. He doesn’t think he understands duty because he left his post in the war. He says this as if Damon isn’t standing RIGHT next to him. Dick. Damon is all, “I didn’t ask for your respect” and Giuseppe is like, “All I have is disappointment”. Then Damon makes a face that one could describe as choking back tears. No wonder this guy has probs. Stefan changes the subject by asking how the town is in trouble. Giuseppe wants them to stop the demon killers (killers who are demons). Damon tells him to cut to the chase so Giuseppe brings out the big reveal- vampires exist! And neither brother can manage to look the least bit surprised. Giuseppe tells the boys that the Council has a plan to kill the vamps and both of them are going to help.

Oh the hair.

PRESENT- Damon is cooking in the Gilbert kitchen while Jenna drinks a beer, telling her how his father never approved of the girls he dated. He is all charming smiles and MUCH better hair than in the flashbacks. He asks Jenna about her love life and she brings up Logan. Damon wants to know if he is still missing; Jenna says he is in the Bahamas working on his tan. That’s the best story the Council could come up with? Jenna takes a moment to hate on the “snooty” Fell family. Damon flashes more smiles as he refills her wine glass. It would appear Mr. Salvatore is trying to get her drunk. He greets Elena before she even turns to corner, which is kind of creepy? I know he probably heard her footsteps with his super hearing but still. Elena shoots Damon a lot of serious LOOKS while she tells him Stefan will be there soon.

Stefan is still questioning Ric at the school, asking how long he has known about Stefan. Sure, make it ALL about you. Ric tells him he didn’t figure it out until he met Damon the Wife Killer. Stefan is vaguely threatening, telling him things will end badly if he is out for revenge. Ric just wants answers (or so he claims). He saw Damon drinking Isobel’s blood, but he vanished with her body, which has never been found. Stefan warns him not to let Damon know why he’s here unless he wants to be killed. Ric can take care of himself. At least, that’s what he says. Stefan offers to help him but Ric looks leery.

Damon bumps into Elena in the kitchen who whines about it being deliberate. Please don’t rub your super hot body on me, said no one ever. He wants to know if Stefan’s “renewed sense of brotherhood” is real. Elena totally lies to his face, telling him that he can trust Stefan. He super speeds behind her and it looks like he’s trying to compel her to tell the truth but when she points out that she is wearing vervain, he says he wasn’t trying to use compusion. He just wants the honest truth. She lies to him again while looking into his beautiful eyes. This is making me have a super sad for Damon.

Ladies and gentlemen, we have sexual tension.

1864- Katherine is playing croquet with Giuseppe. Damon and Stefan arrive and discuss whether Katherine really likes him or if she’s just pretending. Maybe she’s banging a third Salvatore? Stefan feels they should tell their father about her vampirism. Damon knows Giuseppe would just kill her but Stefan thinks they can trust him to keep her safe. Damon makes Stefan promise not to tell him.

PRESENT- Damon tells Elena he used to trust Stefan more than anyone. She thinks she’s clever with her “trust breeds trust” remarks, but from what I’ve seen he has no reason to trust Stefan. Or Elena. He tells Elena he just wants Katherine back. I can’t decide if his dedication to a girl he loved 145 years ago is touching or depressing. She pretends to sympathize while he threatens anyone/anything that gets in his way.

Damon and Jeremy are playing video games when Jeremy receives a call that he ignores. He’s dodging Anna, who despite being hot, can be weird. His words, not mine. These two are fantastic together. It’s super cute to see Damon act as a surrogate older brother, which is something Emo desperately needs.

Can this please happen every episode?

Jenna and Elena whisper secrets in the kitchen. Surprise- Jenna finds Damon hot. I kind of wish that Damon and Jenna could date. She’s just so adorable. Jenna asks why she’s looking through the boxes of family secrets and she makes up a lie about looking for more info on her birth mother. She tells Jenna she hasn’t told Jeremy but will when the time is right. The doorbell rings and it’s Stefan, who exchanges meaningful looks with Damon. It’s all about the looks people.

Bonnie and Ben are on their date at the Mystic Grill. Sweet. I know I totally want to go on a date AT MY PLACE OF BUSINESS. Apparently they did Metallica karaoke earlier. Barf. Remind me to thank the Lord for keeping that off screen. Ben is flirty, making mention of their next date. He casually asks Bonnie what her friends are up to, paying extra special attention when she starts talking about Elena. She rambles on about how they’re besties, more like sisters, blah blah. Bonnie is by far the most boring character on the entire show. I’d even pick Noah the Ninja Vampire over her.

Serious wet blanket.

Elena and the Salvatore brothers are pacing around the Gilbert porch, discussing the missing journal. They try to figure out who else could know about the journal when Damon has the smartest idea yet- just ask Jeremy. He wants to know why everyone is so obsessed with a crazy man’s rantings. Way to finally catch on that something weird is going on. He tells them that Anna knows about it, and wants to meet him at the Grill later. Damon is awesome, offering to drive.

Elena receives a phone call from Bonnie, who is pausing her date with the superbly hot Ben. THIS MAKES NO SENSE. Bonnie talks about how she wants to full-on mack but she’s too chicken. Elena makes a funny, calling her Broom Hilda. They hang up, but not before Bonnie promises to text all the details! This is why she’s single.

Stefan tells Elena that Damon went to go find Anna. He shows her the copy of the journal pages that Ric made and has now given to Stefan.

At the Mystic Grill, Anna meets Jeremy and he calls her a cute stalker chick. To her face. They play pool while Damon watches from a booth, making a VERY puzzled expression.

1864- Anna is sitting outside the apothecary shop with Emily Bennett. Inside, Pearl tells Katherine and Damon that the Mayor stopped by and purchased large amounts of Honoria Fell’s vervain elixir, but Katherine just wants to have girl talk about whether he tried to feel her up. Damon doesn’t understand how they can be calm while the Council is hunting for them. Katherine tells him they will never be discovered, thanks to Emily who has done something to allow them to walk during the day. Katherine alludes to turning him soon and they proceed to make out in the middle of the shop. Definitely not lady-like behavior. Annabelle (as Pearl calls her) enters the shop and tells them Mrs. Fell is coming.

Ugliest outfit yet.

PRESENT- It clicks with Damon where he has seen Anna before. She’s a vamp!

Elena and Stefan are sifting through the copied journal pages back at the Gilbert house. Elena reads a passage indicating that Emily’s grimoire was hidden with Giuseppe Salvatore.

1864- Stefan interrupts Giuseppe writing in his very own journal. It’s nice to know where Stefan picked up his lame habit. Giuseppe can tell Stefan is troubled and asks what’s on his mind. He tells his father that he is worried about their plan to rid Mystic Falls of vampires. He poses a philosophic question- what if vampires are just like people? Having never met a vampire, are they to believe they are bad simply because others say so? Giuseppe isn’t having it. He calls them demons from hell and says they must be destroyed! Anyone who “shames” their family by helping a vampire deserves to die as well. His words, not mine.

PRESENT- Stefan tells Elena he knows where the grimoire is.

Anna walks into her hideous hotel room and is greeted by Damon who grabs her throat and slams her into a wall. She grabs his throat and they have a good old-fashioned stand off. Damon finally cries uncle and Anna tells him she wondered how long it would take for him to find her.

Elena and Stefan have arrived at the secret grimoire location- Giuseppe’s grave. Yuck. Elena helps him shovel dirt. Doesn’t he have super strength and speed? Now would probably be a good time to bust those out.

1864- Stefan sees Katherine with the crystal and gets jealous, assuming it is from Damon. She tells him it’s from Emily. They have some back and forth about how he wants her all to himself, and so does Damon but she makes the rules. His jealous quickly turns to him receiving body kisses. Not your average argument. She drinks blood from his neck but something is wrong. He has ingested vervain that is quickly weakening Katherine. Giuseppe busts into the room, telling Stefan to get the sheriff. He fed Stefan vervain in the hopes of capturing a vampire.

This facial expression is amazing.

PRESENT- Stefan and Elena are still shoveling. Worst date ever. Meanwhile, Anna and Damon are at the hotel room, discussing what she’s doing in Mystic Falls. She’s been in town since before the comet, hiding out while she let others do her work. She is the one who turned Logan into a vampire in order to get Honoria Fell’s journal. She tells Damon that Giuseppe had Emily’s grimoire and asks for his help in opening the tomb. He is awesome, telling her that he works alone.

The second worst date ever continues as Bonnie kisses Ben. She must have received some kind of vision, because she gets all weird for a moment. She tries to recover, telling him she’s just tired and needs some coffee. She retreats to the restroom, but Ben super speeds in front of her, vamping out and grabbing her.

Stefan and Elena have finally reached pay dirt. Stefan opens the casket where he finds his father’s bones cradling an old book. He unseals it just as Damon arrives. He’s pissed. Stefan and Damon argue about lies and trust (or lack there of). Damon has a sad about how he trusted Elena not to lie to him. He threatens to kill Elena if Stefan destroys the grimoire. Stefan doesn’t think he’ll kill her and states as much. Damon uses super speed to zip to her and force her to drink his blood. He is awesome, telling Stefan to give him the book or they will “have a vampire girlfriend.” They exchange the book and the girl with Damon kind of caressing Elena’s hair as he lets her go. It’s super weird.

How dare she make Damon feel the feels.

1864- While Jonathan is outside leading a mob, Giuseppe straps a muzzle over Katherine’s mouth. This is the metal, cloth and leather thing that Elena pulled out of Jonathan’s box. Damon bursts into the room just as two unknown men carry Katherine’s body out of the room. Giuseppe stops him from going after them, telling Damon he’ll be killed if the mob knows he’s a vampire sympathizer. Damon is super dramatic, telling his father to let him be killed.

PRESENT- Damon is still making a sad face at his father’s gravestone. Stefan and Elena are back at the Gilbert house, looking for aspirin. Stefan tells her that Damon’s blood will pass out of her system by morning. He admits everything is his fault.

1864- Katherine is being locked into the back of a paddy wagon. Stefan stops Damon from rushing in, offering to help save her. Damon blames Stefan for her being captured, as he broke his promise to keep her vampirism a secret from their father. Damon then runs away and it is just about the funniest thing I’ve ever seen.

PRESENT- Stefan tells Elena that he broke Damon’s trust. Elena tells him they did nothing wrong. Um, except for totally lying to Damon and making him feel the feels. Elena is a douchebag. Stefan goes downstairs to get aspirin and runs into Jenna who tells him he isn’t staying the night. I kind of love Jenna. Jeremy pops in the kitchen to ask where she went. And by she, he means Anna.

1864- Anna and Pearl watch the paddy wagon cart Katherine away. Pearl tells her to get Emily while she makes a plan to get them out of Mystic Falls. Jonathan approaches her as she tries to steal a horse. He is all puppy dog eyes until his compass points to her. Emily and Anna watch as Jonathan shoots her with a wooden bullet, allowing the mob to carry her away. Emily swears to Anna that she will protect them. Stefan sees Emily and Anna hiding in the bushes.

PRESENT- Stefan zooms up to Elena’s room but she is missing.

BODY COUNT 2

Driver and businessman (in flashback)

QUOTABLES

DAMON: “If I see something I haven’t seen before, I’ll throw a dollar at it.”

DAMON: “You know, I really enjoy this whole menage-a-threesome team thing.”

NICE TO MEET YOU

Kelly Hu as Pearl

James Remar as Mr. Salvatore

Joe Knezevich as Jonathan Gilbert

MUSIC

“When You’re Ready” by Kate Earl. Damon cooks dinner for Jenna.

“Floating Vibes” by Surfer Blood. Bonnie and Ben flirt during their date at the Mystic Grill.

“Goodbye” by Elefant. Bonnie calls Elena.

“Stellar” by Experimental Aircraft. Bonnie kisses Ben and realizes that he’s a vampire.

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