Recap That Noise: Vampire Diaries, 1.01 Pilot

Welcome to Mystic Falls where there is always fog and lame voice overs are abundant: “For over a century I have lived in secret, hiding in the shadows, alone in the world. Until now. I am a vampire, and this is my story.”

Welcome to Mystic Falls, bitch.

A couple is cruising down the road in an SUV. Neither of them have the voice of the vampire (which sounds like a lame paranormal romance novel).  Suddenly there is a person standing in the middle of the road! Body meets grill of SUV, goes flying over the windshield, and that my friends, is why you should always look both ways before crossing the street. The SUV skids out of control, and the man (Victim #1) gets out to investigate while the woman (Victim #2) stays to call for help. Never investigate in Mystic Falls. Bad things will happen. V#1 approaches the body and we are treated to a close up of a very hideous man’s ring. Significant? Your guess is as good as mine. Except that I’ve watched this show in it’s entirety so my guess is a little less speculation, a little more fact.

Suddenly the presumed-dead man’s arm shoots out and his hand wraps around V#1’s neck. The fangs come out and he is a goner. V#2 can’t get a signal so she decides to get out of the car. While she is shrieking her partner’s name in the middle of the road, his body drops onto the hood of the SUV missing a rather large chunk of his throat. V#2 begins running down the street away from her car, screaming her little heart out. There is a cheesy swooping sound as she is lifted into the air, lost and gone forever.

Never get out of the car.

The voice from the opening is back as we watch a sunrise over what appears to be a handsome shoulder. How do I know it’s handsome? Just a feeling. Mystery Vampire let’s us know that he shouldn’t be here but he must “know her”. Then he jumps off the roof of a mansion. Our vampire is just a touch melodramatic.

Another voice over, this time female. A brunette is sitting in the window, writing in her diary. She is most depressing character ever. I mean, she refers to herself as “the sad little girl who lost her parents”. A quick sweep around the bedroom shows pictures of happier times including a photo of a little boy in a baseball uniform. Odd decor choice for a teenage girl? Sad Little Girl (SLG) vows to start over by smiling a lot.

And this is the face she makes. Epic fail.

SLG heads to kitchen for coffee and stops to chat with caretaker Aunt Jenna. A teenage boy enters and throws SLG some sass when she asks how he’s doing. From personal experience I’m going to say he’s a Little Brother. We learn Jenna is a college student and it’s the first day of school for SLG and brother.

SLG (now known as Elena) is driven to school by her friend Bonnie who has a Grams that thinks she is psychic. Her ancestors were witches from Salem, and she has predicted things like President Obama. I predict that Bonnie will be the worst character on the show. A bird hits the windshield and Bonnie almost hits a fire hydrant. Elena is freaked out but tells Bonnie she can’t be afraid of cars for the rest of her life. Maybe this has something to do with her parents’ death? As they drive away the bird is seen perched on a stop sign.

Bonnie makes this face, which makes me want to punch her.

Mystery Vampire walks toward the high school. Bonnie and Elena are walking through the halls. Bonnie is kind of a dick. She rags on an innocent bystander’s floral dress and complains about the “lack of male real estate”. First of all, I’ve never heard a high school girl refer to a boy as real estate. It’s icky. Second, this is Elena’s ex-boyfriend:

Bitch should not be complaining.

A very intense blonde named Caroline appears to hug Elena a lot and ask Bonnie how Elena is doing. Does Elena have any non-annoying friends?

Speaking of shady decisions, LB is dealing drugs to the girl who played Maureen on Freaks and Geeks except now she looks a little more hooker-ish. Ty, her boyfriend, shows up to insult her and threaten to beat up LB.

Because everyone does drugs ON campus.

Mystery Vampire is in the front office where he does something weird with his eyes that makes the school secretary suddenly see imaginary transcripts. If you could live forever, why would you spend it in high school?

Elena sees LB and follows him into the men’s room. I went to high school with my younger brother and have never followed him into the bathroom. Not normal behavior. Elena accuses LB (now known as Jeremy) of being stoned and starts to feel up his jeans looking for drugs. Also something I’ve never done. Jeremy gives good glare despite Elena’s threats to “ruin his buzz”. On the way out of the bathroom, Elena bumps into Mystery Vampire. They have a MOMENT.

Elena is in history class with Hottie Ex, Mystery Vampire and Bonnie. Bonnie sends Elena a text:

Please kill yourself.

New, happy Elena is walking through a cemetery. And now she’s writing in her diary while looking at her parents’ headstone. The bird that Bonnie almost killed appears and begins squawking at Elena. Mysterious fog begins to billow all around. Elena is afraid of the bird/fog combo and runs away, stumbling and falling.

Seriously, what is the fog budget on this show?

Mystery Vampire appears to save the day! Elena is kind of a douche as she accuses MV of following her and grills him on why he’s in the cemetery when duh, why is she there? MV identifies himself as Stefan. Gross name. She compliments him on the bulky horrible ring he is wearing. It’s the same ring from the body in the road! He says it is a family heirloom. I say he needs a new family. Stefan asks if she hurts herself and Elena reveals she is bleeding. He makes crazy vampire eyes and has to look away. He tells her to go and take care of her bleeding wounds then vanishes.

At least he isn’t sparkling.

Back at the Salvatore Boarding House, Stefan is writing in his diary about how he lost control. I’m not quite sure how getting veiny eyes is losing control but as already stated, Stefan seems pretty over dramatic. And Elena is the “her” that Stefan needs to know. He says he can’t resist her but I don’t think he’s giving it his best effort.

Jeremy runs into Vicki (drug girl) at a restaurant where she is working. She’s also kind of a bitch. We learn Tyler is not her boyfriend but a hooking up friend, Hottie Ex is her brother, and she has been having sex with Jeremy over the summer possibly in exchange for drugs. Jeremy actually says the phrase, “When’s the last time you had sex with a puppy?” and it made me puke in my mouth a little. Jeremy is laying on the sappiness pretty thick but Vicki lets him know Tyler is her main guy.

Elena is getting ready to head to The Grill to meet Bonnie when she opens the front door to find Stefan. He apologizes for running away and returns the diary she dropped in the cemetery. He almost admits that he writes in a diary. Not really a pick up line.  Elena invites him to come to The Grill.

Hottie Ex Matt and Bonnie chat about Elena- how is she doing, does she ask about him, etc. As Bonnie tells him to give Elena more time, in she walks with Stefan. Matt looks crest-fallen but does the gentlemanly thing and introduces himself.

Matt Donovan: cute even when heartbroken.

Elena, Bonnie and Caroline chat with Stefan. His parents are dead, he doesn’t talk to his sibling(s) and he lives with his uncle. Caroline invites him to a party at The Falls but he only has eyes for Elena.

At the Salvatore Boarding House, a handsome but scruffy man accuses Stefan of killing Victims #1 and #2. The newspaper claims it was an animal attack but he knows it was a vampire. He also knows that Stefan is a vampire and if a+b=c, then Stefan killed the couple.  He refers to Stefan as Uncle Stefan and asks why he came back to Mystic Falls. Stefan gets haughty and refuses to answer. In his bedroom Stefan opens an old diary containing a picture of a girl that looks like Elena but the photo says Katherine, 1864.

Because that’s not creepy.

At the party in The Falls the next night, Stefan is uber-creepy listening in on other people’s conversations with his super hearing while Bonnie has a legitimate psychic moment over a beer bottle, touching Elena and seeing a crow. Stefan and Elena go for a walk and talk about depressing things like meeting in cemeteries, Elena’s parents drowning in a car accident she survived, and her lack of passion with Matt. The usual party conversation.

Jeremy interrupts Vicki and an increasing date-rapey Tyler making out against a tree. After accusing Jeremy of having feelings, she storms off into the woods alone and the fog begins! A figure appears behind her, and she screams as it grabs her.

Matt lets Elena know he’s still pulling for them as a couple and Stefan rejects Caroline’s advances. Elena follows drunk Jeremy into the woods and they stumble onto a bitten Vicki. While everyone else is preoccupied with helping her, Matt catches Stefan backing away in a seriously shifty manner.

Stefan arrives at the Salvatore Boarding House where he runs into handsome scruffy nephew Zack and tells him someone has attacked again! Upstairs a crow flies into his bedroom and a man appears at the open balcony door. Stefan’s brother Damon has come home.

Mystic Falls just got sexier!

Damon has been the one attacking the citizens of Mystic Falls and controlling all the creepy fog. He knows about Elena and Stefan’s weird obsession with her. He brings up her looking like Katherine and threatens to drink her blood. Stefan loses his temper and tackles Damon through a window at which time Damon takes his ugly ring that protects him from the sun. Damon gives the ring back but attacks Stefan. Damon is a lot stronger because Stefan only drinks animal blood.

Meanwhile back at the party, Jeremy and Elena have a heart to heart about their dead parents. At The Grill Caroline is crying to Bonnie about how Elena is always the one that people pick even though Caroline tries so hard. At the hospital Vicki wakes up and tells Matt she was attacked by a vampire.

Elena and Stefan have a joint voice over about how they want to be someone alive, without bad things following them. Caroline spots a hottie at The Grill and it’s Damon! He smiles at her invitingly.

Stefan is standing outside Elena’s window, ever the creep. She spots him and runs to the door. She invites him inside and he gives a smile as he enters.


Couple in the SUV.


“Sort Of” by Silversun Pickups. Couple in SUV hit person in road.

“Here We Go” by Mat Kearney. Morning at Elena’s; Bonnie drives Elena to school.

“Consoler of the Lonely” by The Raconteurs. Jeremy sells Vicki drugs; Elena and Bonnie see Stefan.

“Say (All I Need)” by OneRepublic. Elena writes in her diary in the cemetery.

“Thinking Of You” by Katy Perry. Matt asks Bonnie about Elena; Elena and Stefan arrive at The Grill.

“Kids” by MGMT. Stefan chats with Elena, Caroline and Bonnie.

“Running Up That Hill” by Placebo. Zach accuses Stefan of attack.

“Death” by White Lies. Stefan arrives at the party; Bonnie’s psychic vision; Elena and Stefan talk.

“Back To Me” by The All-American Rejects. Matt tells Elena he’s not giving up on them; Stefan turns down Caroline; Elena follows Jeremy into the woods.

“Siren Song” by Bat For Lashes. Caroline complains to Bonnie; Vicki tells Matt that she was attacked by a vampire.

“Never Say Never” by The Fray. Elena and Stefan voice overs; Caroline flirts with Damon; Elena invites Stefan into her house.


One comment

  1. Looks good! Hope you keep it up. Your sarcastic wit is why I love you. 🙂

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